Saturday, August 13, 2005

I take drugs to feel good.

So, I'm going back on antidepressants. The line between feeling ok and barely holding things together has become somewhat blurred of late, and I believe I'm spending too much time in the latter camp. My kids deserve a mom who means it when she smiles. My husband deserves a wife who doesn't have to be calmed down several times a month before bed. And it's become all too clear that it's all in my head. ((Joke break: What did the neurosurgeon say to the stroke victim? "The good news is, it's all in your head." HAHAHAH!))

I got out my old script and took one, made an appointment with the doctor. Now I have about 3 days of nausea and then in about five days, happiness. Drug induced happiness, but hey, I'll take what I can get at this point.

I was on these for a while last spring. My husband says it was about a month, but I think three or four. Are we really old enough to be disagreeing about things like this? Anyway, When I weaned my last baby, E, last spring, things went south. It actually started in the fall--my family probably all remember the Thanksgiving photo debacle. By spring I was deep. They diagnosed me with postpartum depression, delayed by breastfeeding, but still hormonally driven. I think the hormones just magnified the problem.

I have mixed feelings about antidepressants. On the one hand, they're a stopgap. They hold me up when I can't hold myself up anymore, and then I can go to work on my problems. On the other...isn't taking drugs to feel good what we all learned was bad, bad, bad in school? I mean, does taking a drug that is prescribed by a doctor who spends all of 5 minutes with you and has a lower chance of addicting you really that different than just stopping by the park for a hit? It is, but...I'm not sure how.

And why am I telling you all this? Well, because this is my diary, and I'm just the bizarre sort of person who feels ok about publishing it (wow, I'm like Anais Nin) and I'm committing here and now to stay on my feel-good drugs for at least a year. It's so easy with antidepressants to say, "Well, I feel fine now, why am I taking these?" Nope, it's going to be a Lexapro Christmas at our house this year. I feel ok about people knowing, really. If you know me in real life, go ahead and ask me how I'm doing. I appreciate it.

Posted by Sarah Jean :: 9:09 AM :: 0 Comments:

Post a Comment

---------------------------------------